Roses are red, violets are blue-I'm a Schizophrenic and so am I...

I must admit, my mental state has not been the best these last few days. Every morning I wake up and feel like Bill Murry in Groundhog Day...one of the best movies of all time by the way. This morning we hiked the "stop sign" trail, which is really just a path that starts at the bottom of snow canyon and goes to the top over 4.3 miles and a 1,000 ft ascent. This is the only paved trail they do here and the only trail that all guests do to establish a timed baseline. I don't love walking up paved paths, I find it boring. That, coupled with my poor attitude and the fact that somehow they placed me in the fastest paced group with several people that run marathon's and and triathlons, led to my grumpiness. My goal was to stay as close to the runners as possible for the first 2 miles, knowing the ascent really picks up on the final 2 1/2. As I listened to their conversation, I began to be bugged my their verbal measuring sticks of one another...reminded me of peacocks really. Then, one of the guys in the group, having spent 2 whole weeks in UT, started to tell the group all about Mormons, their beliefs and the kind of people that live in UT. You see, There simply are not very many people from here in the state that come here. Everyone is from out of state or the country. In any case, I had all I could bear and even though I was telling myself in my mind to just, let it go...I heard myself saying words that could only back him in a corner and not really give him a way out. We went back and forth a bit and he seemed to get mouthier when I would walk off, which really bugged me. One of the hiking guides told me to chill out and then the dude tried to apologize, which just infuriated me. Left to my thoughts, I kept walking and before I knew it...I was at the top. I finished ahead of the others and beat my time by almost 5 minutes. I felt a lot better, to be honest. A little confrontation is good for the soul from time to time. On my walk back down, he caught up to me. We talked, he was actually a pretty cool guy and we hung out most of the rest of today. So, it turns out I'm the jerk...go figure?

For the first time since being here, I wore my Polar during all exercise activities and recorded the information just during the activities themselves. I burned a total of almost 2,300 calories in cardio alone today. I ate less than 1200 calories for the day. So, my net negative intake looks really good and although my body is very fatigued, it's always a mental boost to see the numbers and trust that the numbers will translate to a good loss.

All the food was great today. I did however, trade the breakfast muffin for the same amount of calories in eggs and toast. I'm sure the muffin was great, but mentally just doesn't seem substantial enough.

I met some nice new people today and had some good laughs. There is one dude from Canada that is here. He and I go back and forth beating each other up and others seem to get a kick out of it. In the end, I have the last laugh, with him being a Canuck and all.

Picture 1--phot0 of me and the other dude fighting...he's the small one.

Picture 2--Photo of me and the other dude running together after we became friends. I'm the one with long, flowing hair.

Picture 3--Our menu for the day. Before I leave, I commit to erase the dinner entree and desert and replace with; Dinner-KFC 3 piece breast and wing and, Desert-Cheesecake Factory slice of your choice.

If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry...

I hiked 8 miles, put an hour in on the tread mill and burned more calories before lunch than I would consume the entire day. And, I'm dragging a bit so today's post will be short and sweet.


Picture 1--Down 42 lbs I wanted to try my favorite spidey suit on and boy, can I tell a difference!












Picture 2--I had my RMR checked again and somehow my new resting metabolic rate is 6,000 calories and so, the Dr recommended that I eat this for lunch to ensure I don't lose too much weight, too fast.







Picture 3--Believe it or not, this was today's dinner and it only had a total of 280 calories!







Also, and this is very exciting, I grew all the hair back on top of my head--My bladder expanded to my pre-wake up in the middle of the night to go pee size--And, our politicians unanimously voted to stop sending inappropriate pictures of themselves over the Internet! I'm so excited!

Good night one and all!

Y? Why not...

After what seemed like a very long week, I'm not complaining, I'm back at Fitness Ridge in sunny St George. The number one question I've been asked by many is; "how did you do at home"? Last week I had a very busy work week with many meetings scheduled, including client and other business lunches. In the past, these would have been perfect reasons for me to "just get by", so to speak. But this week was different. I had to make some mental adjustments as I started feeling guilty for eating "extra" calories outside scheduled meal times. But, because I was tracking my calories, I was always able to talk myself off the guilt ledge because I never ate more than 1800 calories (except one day where I indulged and ate a whopping 2200) Also, I went hiking very early with Rach 5 mornings and burned anywhere from 450 to 700 calories each hike, according to my new friend Mr Polar monitor. In the end, I lost 5 lbs this week...pun intended. (my wife will hope most of you didn't get that, but oh well.)

In earlier posts I've mentioned the real value to this place is the "mental reset" that takes place. I want you to know, I am still by no means "fixed". I still have those crazy thoughts of losing weight faster by eating all the KFC I want and no bread, or drinking lemonade and red pepper for two weeks straight or, making enough cabbage soup to feed a small army (if you recognize these diets, seek help!). However, I have been given the tools to ground myself in reality and deal with these ill conceived thoughts. I am getting better and better with every time I am able to ground myself in a proper mindset and abandon the "lose weight quick" thoughts and ideas. I expect this will continue to get easier and better over time.

Earlier, I mentioned there was a day that I consumed about 2,200 calories. I really started beating myself up over this. Then I looked at the numbers. That calorie amount coupled with the 700 calorie burn I got while climbing the "Y" trail, still equalled a net negative caloric intake for the day...and I had even had a cookie, or two. So, I splurged a little and had some cookies and milk. Bottom line, I still lost weight for the day! This reminded me of all those times I would sabotage myself, maybe by eating on cookie while I was supposed to be carb free. You know what I would do then? I would tell myself I ruined my diet for the day and so would have to begin again tomorrow. I would then follow up that solid thought process with a solid action plan by hitting Taco Bell for a Nacho Bell Grande, McDonald's for a double cheeseburger and fry and then Subway (the healthy choice) for a foot long cold cut combo. Why, because it was the last time I was going to eat my favorite foods from those places because the very next day, I WAS GOING TO BEGIN AGAIN! Any idea how many times I've begun again in a week...a month...a year...over 10 years? Me neither, but enough to put on an extra 50 lbs over and above what I had already gained. Now that's solid thinking!

Being honest with yourself can hurt. Asking yourself the tough questions can be rough. I started doing that about a year ago and it wasn't the most pleasant experience. But, I was able to to get to a place where I could, very critically, look back on the decisions that had got me to that particular point in my life. I didn't just identify the bad because their were a lot of good ones too. I analyzed them all and hatched a plan to adjust my path just enough to get me on course with the guy I wanted to be, the guy I envisioned in my dreams as a younger man and the guy my wife and kids deserve. I like the path I am on. Although I have allot of work ahead, The view looking down is getting better and better!

Picture One--My typical breakfast in the morning while at home...I love me some southwestern eggs and toast!

Picture two--Trail marker from the Y trail. This is sacred ground. When I got to the top, I saw 2,000 young men warriors dressed in blue outlining the Y with their leader, who looked like Bronco Mendenhall, hoisting a banner high in the air...I also was very dizzy and hadn't had much water.

Picture three--View from the top of the Y, looking down on BYU campus and home of the greatest, most storied football program in Provo...and possibly all of UT County!

Basically, training...

In my last post I mentioned how hard it was for me to walk in the door for the first time, since returning, without going straight to the fridge or pantry. I also mentioned that may have had something to do with muscle memory, or in my case, "I'm home and so now I want to eat memory", as I like to call it. So, I decided I would fight fire with fire, as it were, by going back to the place I grew up running all over the hills and mountain sides. Fortunately, I only live 10 miles or so from there now. I recruited a new hiking partner. It really wasn't hard because she seems to like me a bunch for some reason. She doesn't know CPR and stands to collect a fair amount if I suddenly drop dead on a hike so, if I don't return...I'm just saying.

Both yesterday and today we started bright and early at the Elk Ridge city park and walked up and over the hill and down into Loafer Canyon, where I grew up. We walked up the canyon to the gate and yesterday, walked the left fork up into Woodland Hills and this morning, took a trail to the right that went up the hill to the base of Tithing mountain and then down the foothills and through town all the way back to the park. There is just something about walking up the roads and through the hills in the same places I have since I was five...although I'm a touch bigger now. I passed trees in which we had built forts and trees that I had fallen from...sometimes one in the same. The town has changed a lot, but the memories are as fresh as ever. Having had spent so much time walking in the same places for years. Years prior I had a sense of safety, familiarity and confidence that having done this so many times in the past...I could surely do it again today!

At one point on the hike yesterday, the trail started getting very muddy. I had a thought that went something like, "I have to quit for the morning and get back on the road so as to not get my new shoes dirty." Now, on the surface there is nothing wrong with that statement and it sounds completely reasonable, right? My wife, who is infinitely smarter than I, pointed out that this was the very reason I had bought trail shoes...to protect my road shoes and be subjected to a harsher terrain. I was prepared right then and there to rob my shoes of the opportunity of fulfilling their one duty...to get a little dirty while protecting my feet so I can focus on getting in better shape. It caused me to think, what fun is a 4X4 without a scratch, a clean house without 4 little kids to mess it up, a bank account without a purchase (or two), and running shoes in mint condition for 3 or so years? And how ironic that I would work to keep so many things in pristine condition, and let myself get in such disrepair! This reminds me of a time I sold our elliptical on ksl.com. The add I posted simply said--3 year old elliptical for sale, extremely low miles, must remove clothes off machine to use!

T- 5 1/2 days until I leave my sweet wife with our 4 crazy kids to head back to Fitness Ridge. In the mean time, I am enjoying my new hiking partner very much, asking myself the tough questions and implementing all that I can remember before I go back and have it hammered into my noggin once again!

A lesson learned, reality bites...

So, I've been home for a couple days now and need to catch you all up on how the week ended. I had my fitness review early Friday morning and the net results of almost two weeks at the Fitness Ridge Resort were: Chest (-1.5"), Belly (-4"), Hips (-2"), and Weight, (-14 lbs).

I must admit, at first I was a bit disappointed with the weight loss. After all, you watch a show on T.V. and the contestants are losing 10 to 20 lbs in a week or so. And so I started spinning myself in the ground, but quickly was able to remember some of the things I said I learned in earlier blog posts. I worked hard for two weeks and lost 14 lbs...one pound per day! I don't know exactly what I expected going into this deal but it is safe to say that my expectations prior to coming here were unrealistic. My new, more realistic goal is to lose 2 to 3 lbs in a week. Why? Because I can do this without depriving myself to the point of rebellion and rebellion leads to binges, negative thought processes and ultimately, failure. In retrospect, I am happy with the results because they equaled the effort I put forth and guess what...the numbers led to that exact result.

So, I loaded up my bike, as shown in picture 1, and started my way out of Ivins, through Santa Clara, down the boulevard and onto I-15 South. I loved the ride home! The temp was in the 70's, no real wind to speak of and interestingly enough, my bike seemed to ride down the road as if it were about 15 lbs lighter, or so. :) As I cruised down the road, wind blowing through my scalp (yes, that was a poorly executed bald joke) I thought about having one week home and then coming back again for two more. I hadn't even seen my family yet and was already missing them again. Ultimately, this is the reason I began this blog. I knew from the outset if I could find a way, any way out of this, I would. So, by letting you all (friends, family, clients, etc.) in on what I was doing, feeling and what I had committed to, I felt this would handcuff me in to finishing what I had started. I knew this would help me keep focus in case I lost sight of my original focus, which was to get healthy for me and my family. And, it has worked. I thank you all for your texts, e-mails, comments and phone calls!

When I arrived home, I pulled my bike into the garage and with a big smile, walked into the house. You've heard of muscle memory, right? Well, I'm not exactly sure what I experienced but as I walked in and took my shoes off, I immediately walked into the kitchen and to the fridge. My mind said no, but my legs kept walking and before I knew it, I was staring into the belly of the dragon...okay, a little to melodramatic I know! I was confused! I had just spent two weeks and more than a few bucks learning some good schtuff, yes schtuff. That was the first moment I realized, oh crap...this might be difficult to put into action. I was able to shut the fridge, but then my legs carried me to the pantry. I must have stared into the pantry for 5 minutes before I was able to pry my hands off the door and walk away. Rach wasn't home, I needed something else to occupy my mind and so I went outside and mowed the lawn.

I get this isn't going to be easy. I get that I am going to have to re-train my thought process, change my focus and be aware of my actions as they relate to my thoughts and feelings. I talked a lot about being aware and knowledge being power...well this is part of it. And so, I will say it again and again until it sinks in; I choose to be healthy, I choose to be be more active with my wife and kids, I choose to go swimming without a shirt on (for the record, I've never swam with a shirt on because I vowed to not be "that guy", I choose to enter the ocean without the possibility of being boarded by an enemy ship or harpooned my a Japanese Whaler, I choose a little hunger over gluttony and ultimately, I choose to put myself in the best position possible to see my kids graduate, marry and share stories with my grand kids while growing old with my bride!

P.S. I head back to Fitness Ridge for one more two week stay, next week.

Edjamacation...It's all about the numbers stupid!

So, I'm ending my second week here at Fitness Ridge. I head home for a week, and then back for two more. In considering what information might have had the biggest impact on me this week-- I think I've come to a conclusion.

You see, I had two ankle reconstructions. within 18 months of the first, I had gained 80 lbs. Why? Because my poor eating habits continued and my activity level dropped off to zero. So as I worked to get my physical fitness level back up, I also tried every diet known to man. I lost 60 lbs on the Atkins diet...and then gained it all back plus 10 lbs. I lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers...and then gained it back plus 10 lbs. My head has been so screwed up in regards to what you can and can't, should or shouldn't and must and must not eat!

I am an all or nothing type of person. Do you know how many times I've started a "diet" on Monday, ate a jelly bean Monday night and then said, heck with it I just screwed that diet up so I'll start again next Monday? Too many to count. I even tried to create my own diet for a period of time. It went something like this: Eggs, bacon and sausage in the morning (no carbs), the Subway diet for lunch (12" with all the fixins', chips and occasional cookie of course), Weight Watchers for dinner (Since I started it just for dinner I was allowed up to 40 points for that one meal), And, a "free day" in the evening because according to Bill Phillips, this is good for the soul. It became a joke even to me. I have come to expect to fail at "diets." And you know what, I was right. Diets are horse poop and set me up to fail every time. If you're someone that can move from fad diet to fad diet with success, more power to you...I can't and it's OK.

So here's the real deal, with my head set squarely back on my shoulders and a good understanding of what reality looks like. I can plan my weight loss dependant on several factors; RMR (Resting metabolic rate), normal activity (calories burned by normal, every day activities--walking to the car, bending over to tie shoes, etc), Exercise (extra calories burned by putting in the work) and last but not least, Determination and commitment (what am I willing to do, within reason, to meet my goal).

Here's how it looks by the numbers. If I want to lose 12 lbs in one month, I simply have to do the math to understand the work. There are 3,500 calories in a pound. So, 3,500 X 12(pounds I want to lose in a month), equals 42,000 calories. 42,000 calories divided by 30 (days in a month), equals 1,400. So, I have to have a negative caloric intake by 1,400 calories/day to lose 12 lbs in one month. So now I need to know how those factors I listed above play in. So, my RMR (metabolism) is 2, 313/day. In other words, if I was in a coma, my body would need 2, 313 calories to maintain size. I need to know how many calories I burn through normal activity during the day so I will need to wear my Polar for a 24 hour period to make that determination. For argument sake, lets say I burn an additional 500 calories over the course of any given normal day. So, I'm now burning 2,813 calories without any exercise. Now, I have to determine what a reasonable caloric intake for me will be...one that won't be so restrictive it might cause me to rebel, binge and quit. So, I've been eating 1200 calories here, that's not reasonable in the real world but I think 2000 is. So, if my intake is 2,000 calories/day and my output without exercise is 2,813/day; that equals a negative caloric intake of 813/day. This doesn't quite get me to my goal of losing 12 lbs in a month so I will have to add an additional 600 calories of burn through exercise every day and then the numbers will produce a 12 lb loss for the month. Now, if I'm not willing to put that much work into my output, I'll have to re-adjust my goal down for the month so my work ethic, commitment and dedication, match my goal.

So, that's the magic pill, so to speak. Diets suck! If you tell me not to have a slice of bread; I only want a slice of bread. Tell me to not eat a donut and likely, by weeks end I'll pound a dozen...with ice cold milk of course, it's good for the bones. Anyway, that's my big take away over the last two weeks. I have of course learned other things that are important to me and my success, but getting my head straight on the intake vs. outtake was the biggest.

I've included pictures from today's hike to "scout cave" throughout. Enjoy! (P.S. tell me picture two doesn't look like a bum crack...I'm telling you they're everywhere!)

Broken parts, a saddle and a dead rabbit...

Photo #1--Me at the top of saddle. That's Tuacahn in the back ground...site of me and Rach's first date ever many moons ago

Photo #2--One of the heavier dudes in my group has had a hard time losing weight here. On the hike today, he needed to use the restroom and this is what he produced...someone has some explaining to do.

Photo #3--Rock formation on the back side of "saddle," near fern gully.

My back has been bothering me just under my left shoulder blade for a couple days so I made a appointment to see the in house chiropractor this evening. I told him what the deal was and he determined I had a rib pop out a bit, so he made his adjustment. He said he would spend the rest of the 1/2 hour checking me out and making sure there were no other obvious issues. He started with my feet and noticed the scars running down both sides. I explained, I had two ankle reconstructions related to sports abuse. He asked about the scar on my heal. So, I explained I had a torn tendon repaired because I was thrown into a fence by a gentleman who had killed several people, while working my Forensic Unit job. While adjusting my neck he felt the knot on my collar bone and asked if I had broken it, I answered yes...both of them. He made a comment that maybe I should be a little more careful with my body in the future. This really caused me to think a bit. I felt a little stupid and was glad we didn't talk about both my broken arms (one as I tried, unsuccessfully, to jump several railroad ties on my bike and the other because my friends and I thought it would be interesting to see what happened if I stood on one side of a teeter totter and they jumped together off the monkey bars onto the other). We won't go into my two shoulder surgeries and stitches, multiple times. And with all that, I am still grateful for all the times I ended up okay, when I could have or should have been seriously hurt doing other very stupid things.

What's the point of the prior paragraph, you might ask? Of all those injuries and accidents that have left scars, limps, creeks and arguably some minor brain damage; the one thing that aggravates them all and makes them hurt 10 times worse and ultimately culminated with a thousand decisions far worse...is the extra weight. Frankly, I'm tired of it and am ready to give my body a break. Picture in your minds eye a 25 pound dumbbell. Picture yourself holding it...not that bad, right. Now, picture yourself holding five of them and carrying that around all day. For every 25 pounds I drop, I have one less dumbbell to carry around.

Enough with the melodramatic thoughts and comparisons and on with something lighter...pun intended. I've seen more bum cracks in the last week and a half than I care to mention... to the point of recognition. Seriously, I see a bum crack in the pool now and I know immediately who's it is. I believe one of two things needs to happen; either the fat community needs to go through some sort of mandatory awareness training and be subject to a wedge penalty by any random person that feels they're not in compliance or, Wal-mart needs to start selling adult onsies to cover the gaps...again, pun intended.

That's all for now...heading to bed.